*** MASAP ***: Me and My Latrine

i'm sitting in class right now, trying really hard not to pay attention. the guy in front of me is wearing a pink shirt. for some reason its kind of bugging me. cuz its like i have to look past his pink shirt to see the board. and now my eyesight seems to have a tinge of pink regardless of what i look at. technically this should be less than bothersome. technically i have a history of pink-shirt-wearing.

on an entirely unrelated note, i spent most of last week drinking water. every hour, kendra black (bless her soul) sent me a text message reminding me to consume the bland liquid. i barely survived. also i found myself spending unprecedented amounts of time with my friend the latrine. we established a close friendship. then i stopped drinking water (it was my fault don't blame kendra). however, i have still wanted to talk to the latrine. i have had a really difficult time trying to come up with creative reasons to go into the bathroom without actually needing to use the toilet.

some of my creative methods have included:

1. bloody nose- i purposefully aggravated the pink-shirted guy and he punched me in the face. my nose started bleeding, giving me a reasonable excuse to talk to my latrine friend

2. CIA- i told my professor that i had to meet with a secret agent in a stall to discuss recent developments. when he gave me a questioning look, i flashed my badge.

3. bomb squad- in one of my previous bathroom visits, i replaced the fire alarm battery with an old depleted one, causing a consistent beep. this gave me the excuse to go back in, acting like i was part of a bomb squad.

4. fish- i made up a disease that doesn't exist, telling everyone in my class that i have gills and can only breathe underwater. then i hold my breath for a long time (like when i go to class) before going back for more air. then i went to the bathroom to talk to my latrine. unfortunately, someone followed me to see if i was for real, so i had to stick my head in the toilet and make 'breathing' sounds.

so you are probably wondering why have i stopped drinking water? good question. i'm boycotting it. i dislike water. especially for drinking. there are so many better things out there, but they are not provided free of charge. here is an idea: why can't rootbeer or orange juice come from the faucet and water be the thing you have to buy in the store?

as well as the obvious distasteful nature of water, there are other reasons water is bad. it hurts people. it lures them into all kinds of 'fun' water sports that often end in death, disfigurement, and disappointment.

see for yourself: