Dear Katie

An open letter to Katie Wilde:

Subj: I'm sorry that I secretly admire and wish to be like you, but your pick-up lines won't work on me; we can never be friends! You like fish, don't like twilight, and don't like my mother, who wrote the MASAP that changed my life.


I want to make myself perfectly clear: I admire you. You have a first and last name with 5 letters each. My last name is acceptable, but my first name has too many characters. Oh how I wish I could be like you and your agreeably symmetrical name!

Ever since I met you, I've held back a part of myself that I should have shared freely. I know this isn't the best way to tell you, but since we rarely see each other it must suffice.
I beg for your forgiveness. In fact, I grovel for it. I grovel before the illustrious Katie Wilde, captain of captains, woman of women, most mighty of the mighty, undisputed champion of the world! I grovel like the pitiful loser I am! I grovel like a guy who hasn't got a date the day before Prom and the only girl around is the head cheerleader, that's how much I grovel! I grovel like a groveler! One who is really really groveling! Oh Katie, most lively of all the Katie's I've ever met, I grovel like a video game addict trapped in arcade without a quarter, that's how much I grovel. You would not believe the depths of my grovelry! I grovel like a guy with a large order of fries and the only salt shaker is at the table of the school bully. I grovel like a MASAP addict without an internet connection. I grovel like an intergalactic hitchhiker without a towel, a Jim without a Pam and a Bob without his goldfish. I'm sorry, so so sorry, that I haven't told you this about me: I used to think I was a seagull. Please still love me?

There are three reasons why we could never be Facebook friends:
1) You believe in the string theory. The string theory is preposterous. For this alone we cannot be FB friends, or even real-life acquaintances for that matter.
2) I have a friend quota, and it is full. yes, that's right, 742 is the maximum. Sorry, no more room for friends! There's studies on that you know, about how many people we can be realistically expected to maintain relationships with. I can't just be friends with every goober Katie Wilde out there in the wide world.
3) What would people think if they knew about us? If we went public as friends on FB, people might begin to suspect the truth.

My favorite fish is none at all. Fish are gross. They're basically mercury with fins.
Twilight is aight. I read all the books. Didn't care at All for the first movie, and haven't bothered to see New Moon.
My mother's maiden name is Hall, like the room in your house. Did that just blow your mind? I bet you've never thought of the "hall" as a room. Well now you do! Think of it as a room the next time you walk down it.
On a side note, it's interesting that we walk THROUGH all the rooms in our house except for the hall, which we walk DOWN. Why in the world is that??? It's not the basement!!!

MASAP is an incredible collection of clever authors, wonderful videos and lovely interaction between like-minded people from all over the world. MASAP is both a FB group, a blog and a feeling in my heart. Who is MASAP? The world is our MASAP, and you should be too.

My favorite pickup line:
The Saltillo plant in Northern Mexico. They make Dodge Rams there.

Love you bye,
-Travis