Daylight Saving Time

Dearest Masappers,

There are many reasons as to why we have Daylight Saving Time at all, and they are as follows:

1)So we have a legitimate excuse to miss Church on Sunday.
2)So farmers can have more time during the day to work on their fields and milk their cows and feed their goats and chew tobacco.
3)To save energy. More daylight means cooking outdoors, which means less electricity and more flies on our food. Also more calories in our food, if you count the flies.
4)So we can swim and boat at the lake and enjoy Arizona sunsets for an hour longer each day.
5)Crime happens at night, so when we have daylight, crime decreases. Just think, without all the daylight lying around during the Summer, all the teenagers who have no school, no jobs and no common sense would just be smashing things, doing drugs, street racing and writing computer viruses on their iPhones.

Whether we like it or not, Daylight Saving Time is upon us, and I for one am scared. What do I have to be afraid of? The Conspiracy, of course.

Reasons 1-4 are all myths as to why Daylight Saving Time exists, number 5 I made up, and the 6th reason is actually the most correct.

6)So birds have more time to migrate.

Can you believe it? Have you ever noticed that Daylight Saving Time always occurs around Fall and Spring migration? I bet not. It’s no coincidence, however, that they occur simultaneously every year, year in and year out. The Wing-ed People Rights and Interests group is one of the most powerful and most well entrenched lobbying groups in the world. With over 3 million birds in D.C. alone, there’s no wonder that they can mess with time in ways even Einstein’s theories can’t possibly describe.

Scenario: Imagine you live in Washington D.C. and you wake up one morning. What’s the first thing you hear? It’s not your alarm clock, it’s BIRDS. They are singing, and while you might assume they’re singing such phrases as, “Top of the morning to you, Robin!” or “What a tasty insect I just ate, Anna’s Hummingbird!” or even, “Mr. House Finch and I are just starting our third batch of kids this year!”, what they’re actually singing is, “Give us more time to migrate, Senate Majority Leader!”. This is an insidious, yet invisible problem.

Migration must be hard on the poor little guys, but it terrifies me that birds have more control over our politicians than we give them credit for. I’m also quite troubled by the ability of small, insignificant wing-ed creatures having enough power to change TIME.

On another note, the single reason I’m up this late is this: I wanted to see my phone skip one hour and one minute.I watched as the time went from 1:59 AM to 3AM in only sixty seconds. It was pretty cool! Yet it’s the birds’ fault, I swear.



-Travis Moore