Me and My Latrine

i'm sitting in class right now, trying really hard not to pay attention. the guy in front of me is wearing a pink shirt. for some reason its kind of bugging me. cuz its like i have to look past his pink shirt to see the board. and now my eyesight seems to have a tinge of pink regardless of what i look at. technically this should be less than bothersome. technically i have a history of pink-shirt-wearing.

on an entirely unrelated note, i spent most of last week drinking water. every hour, kendra black (bless her soul) sent me a text message reminding me to consume the bland liquid. i barely survived. also i found myself spending unprecedented amounts of time with my friend the latrine. we established a close friendship. then i stopped drinking water (it was my fault don't blame kendra). however, i have still wanted to talk to the latrine. i have had a really difficult time trying to come up with creative reasons to go into the bathroom without actually needing to use the toilet.

some of my creative methods have included:

1. bloody nose- i purposefully aggravated the pink-shirted guy and he punched me in the face. my nose started bleeding, giving me a reasonable excuse to talk to my latrine friend

2. CIA- i told my professor that i had to meet with a secret agent in a stall to discuss recent developments. when he gave me a questioning look, i flashed my badge.

3. bomb squad- in one of my previous bathroom visits, i replaced the fire alarm battery with an old depleted one, causing a consistent beep. this gave me the excuse to go back in, acting like i was part of a bomb squad.

4. fish- i made up a disease that doesn't exist, telling everyone in my class that i have gills and can only breathe underwater. then i hold my breath for a long time (like when i go to class) before going back for more air. then i went to the bathroom to talk to my latrine. unfortunately, someone followed me to see if i was for real, so i had to stick my head in the toilet and make 'breathing' sounds.

so you are probably wondering why have i stopped drinking water? good question. i'm boycotting it. i dislike water. especially for drinking. there are so many better things out there, but they are not provided free of charge. here is an idea: why can't rootbeer or orange juice come from the faucet and water be the thing you have to buy in the store?

as well as the obvious distasteful nature of water, there are other reasons water is bad. it hurts people. it lures them into all kinds of 'fun' water sports that often end in death, disfigurement, and disappointment.

see for yourself:

Jeremy Moore

-Anti-H2O campaign manager.

Dorito Slaps

Dear Masapers,

Today’s topic is very serious indeed. I’d like to start with our video, to show the absolutely severity of the situation.

Now kids, Doritos are not to be taken lightly. It is a very serious offense to steal someone else’s possessions, but stealing someone’s Doritos are worth a slap in the face. Please remember this warning the next time you are tempted to snatch your friend’s Doritos, because not only will you lose a friend, but you will also receive a slap in the face. Possibly by a young boy.

Becka Wiser

Vice President. Also protecting all MASAPers from slaps in the face.

Hacker update!

Agent Ace Mckenzi has located another Chinese hacker. He was hiding out in a cave in the Caribbean (luckily they get good wi-fi down there) and Ace stumbled upon him on one of his "fishing trips." Our agent was able to recognize him from the security pictures that were posted by the Voter. Ace then proceeded to take undercover pictures of the culprit at his home, and in the very act of hacking MASAP. Ace has since been put on company probation for taking pictures when he could have stopped the hacking.

A short while later the hacker was caught by Ace using one of his patented "bear snatcher" traps. A lengthy interrogation followed, where Ace was able to squeeze 2 words out of the hacker before the FBI located the man and took him away before he could really talk. The two words were... Fish Fry. Now our head code-crackers are working on finding an interpretation of the hacker's statement. We also ask for your strokes of inspiration regarding this finding.

-Jameson Schindler

Here is a test of your awareness to see if you can find more hackers:

Google Opt-Out Program

A new program from Google has recently come to the attention of MASAP headquarters. This is good news. You can now hide from Internet Searches and Google Earth. However, the Google Opt-Out Program does not hide you from the all-searching eye of MASAP. Also, the eye of Sauron tends to be particularly intrusive.



Now that you have seen the official report, brought to us by the Onion News Network, I wish to give a few words about the Opt-Out Program.

1) Opter-Outers are Loser-Quitters.
2) The Onion is a premier source of all legitimate news.
3) MASAP (May All Sorcerers Apparate in the opt-out Program village). I personally believe that MASAP has the power to create a new Lord of the Rings style reality in the mountain village that Google has kindly created for us.

Also, do not forget to brush your teeth. Eric Frederic forgot to brush one night last week, and was thrown in the brink. Since then he has written me countless letters, just begging for a presidential pardon. I AM NOT THE PRESIDENT MR. FREDERIC. I'm just the guy who voted for the president. I do not have the authority to issue presidential pardons. I do not have authority to swat a fly that climbs into my can of orange soda. I do not have authority to pick my own nose, except at the command of Mr. President Yeager.

this is all.
-the Voter

The Life of Jameson Schindler

So this newsletter is a bit different this week
I would like to let you in on my life
Good thing someone made a small video game of it!

Play it here, I'm sure you'll like it!

http://amanita-design.net/samorost-2/


Also a video of a world class contortionist...

Showdown: North Koreans vs. American Ninjas

It has come to our attention by means of one of our international spies that North Korea is planning to intimidate us with their advances in weapons technology. We've been informed that they made a short video to demonstrate their power. Our spy has also provided a copy of this video for our MASAP viewers. However, we've been asked to keep this video top secret, because North Korea is still unaware that their video has been stolen. So watch, enjoy, but DO NOT tell others about it:

I’m not too concerned about the Koreans attacking though. Luckily, we have our own force of ninjas here in America to defend us. They are so stealthy, we never actually even see them, but we know that they’re there, defending us from the evil threats in the world:

-Jeff Yeager

Mr. President. Ninja Enthusiast.

Tommy Handkerchief

Tom Hanks. Legendary actor. Movie producer. Weirdo.

Mr. Commander Billy Jim Lovell came and spoke to us on Tuesday. He claimed he was the commander of both the Apollo 8 and 13 missions.
As soon as I heard that I raised my eyebrows. To compensate, I also lowered my cholesterol. I remember in 9th grade I had a sleep over at Dan Reynolds house and we watched Apollo 13. Tom Hanks was clearly the commander of the Apollo 13 mission.

An atheist from Texas sued the government because the astronauts on Apollo 8 read the first 10 verses of Genesis Chapter 1 as they came from behind the moon and saw the earth "rise". Suing the government? People sue the government every day. Not very clever.

This guy is clever:



I like lawsuits. I've been sued 8 times; 4 times for property damage, twice for incredibly loud trumpet playing, and once each for "impersonating" a gargoyle and taking care of leprosy one life at a time.

I've never sued anyone, but there is someone I WANT to sue: Michael Murray. He takes all the girls.

-Travis Moore
Gargoyle

Hacker Arrest!

We have captured one of the hackers! Some of you are aware of the recent cyber attack that was perpetrated upon MASAP. The FBI captured him just as he was mounting his giant peach. They have not released the man for questioning, but luckily, they did release a photo, from which we have been able to recognize him as the very same Chinese man that attacked us on March 17th.

So the question is: why would anyone hack MASAP? Do they think we are the “Money Association So ‘Ack us Please”?

Next question: Why would the FBI deny our request to release him to us for questioning? Answer: We have no idea.

We tried lavishing them with gifts. 2.1 million dollars later, we were no further along. Even our invitation to the Saturday night buffet at the Panda Express was turned town.

We will continue to update you as time progresses. Also, look closely at the photos of our captured hacker. Please keep your eyes peeled, and inform me if you see any of his associates. They all look very similar.

-the Voter


Left, the image captured by our security cameras in MASAP Headquarters. Right, FBI released photo of our captured hacker.

Nap Time!

Naps are incredibly wonderful things. Some of you may believe that it is indeed not suitable activity for a grown person. Alas, you are very wrong. But do not fret, for that is why I am writing this newsletter, so that you may acknowledge your false belief and correct it.

Naps were first invented by Father Time, because he discovered that his job was so exhausting that he needed some extra sleep throughout the day. These naps can occur at any point during the day and are extremely beneficial. Research has proven that napping for 20 minutes can help refresh the mind, improve overall alertness, boost mood and increase productivity, and may benefit the heart. However, you should be careful of where you choose to take your naps. For instance, naps during class are probably not the best idea and there has even been a Public Service Announcement about it.



You may also want to be wary of who you nap around; some may play pranks on you while you’re sleeping…



Masapers, I know that these videos may encourage you not to nap for fear of the tricks of others, but do not forget how important naps are. They are truly a great way to catch up on sleep, improve your mood, and make your heart healthier!

Becka Wiser
Vice President

Women...

Gotta love them, but seriously...why do they have to be that way? Now all the girls are probably thinking, "What way?" Luckily, there is no such ambiguity with the men. They all know exactly what I mean.

Now I have been called a sexist pig. I have also been called a pig. I have also been called sexy. I am not sure if any of these sayings were related.

Go ahead and call me whatever you like. I will like it. And while we are talking about likes, let me tell you something I do not like.

I do not like when women are stereotypical. Because of the typical stereotypical woman, I stereotype all women, even the ones that are actually not stereotypical. I hope this is clear to you. Let me give you an example:

99% of women are a lot of fun. This is a stereotype. Also, no one minds if I use this stereotype. If I say women are fun, no one will throw bricks with angry messages through my window. However, what about the other 1%? Are they fun? No, they are not. They derive benefit from the other 99% of women, giving even incredibly un-fun girls a "fun" stereotype.

However, stereotypes are not always so positive. Example:

99% of women are
1. bad with technology,
2. impossible in all mechanical matters, and
3. terrible drivers.

Now in this case, when I go around and talk about the stereotypical female, the 1% that do not fit the stereotype become incredibly furious. To the point that they use their technological prowess to hang me upside down from a tree with a pulley and beat me with sticks while yelling "pinata!"

Now that isn't very nice. So I pose a question: Why don't they want to be part of the majority? The reason: These girls are the very same as the 1% of girls that are un-fun.

Everyone wants to be in the stereotype when it benefits them, right? Well you can't eat donuts without getting fat.

I dislike how I am forced to watch my back when using stereotypes. If I am a sexist, I'll be a sexy one! If I'm a pig, I'll wallow in the mire! If you are stereotypical, don't expect to be addressed as if you were something unique.

And to conclude: If you are this girl, Heaven help you:



Jeremy Moore
-the Voter

Lesson in Self Defense

In our day and age, the world has become a perilous place indeed. We constantly hear about the violence and destruction that is happening every day. Take this video for example:







In a world like this, with violence of this caliber, we need to be able to defend ourselves. This means extensive training in self defense. Luckily for us, we have access to a basic self defense training video that contains all the information that we need to successfully defend ourselves:







Well, I hope you’ve all learned a valuable lesson today: Wrist control is key.



Jeff Yeager

Mr. President. Self Defense Master. Expert in Tactical Strikes.

Dear Katie

An open letter to Katie Wilde:

Subj: I'm sorry that I secretly admire and wish to be like you, but your pick-up lines won't work on me; we can never be friends! You like fish, don't like twilight, and don't like my mother, who wrote the MASAP that changed my life.


I want to make myself perfectly clear: I admire you. You have a first and last name with 5 letters each. My last name is acceptable, but my first name has too many characters. Oh how I wish I could be like you and your agreeably symmetrical name!

Ever since I met you, I've held back a part of myself that I should have shared freely. I know this isn't the best way to tell you, but since we rarely see each other it must suffice.
I beg for your forgiveness. In fact, I grovel for it. I grovel before the illustrious Katie Wilde, captain of captains, woman of women, most mighty of the mighty, undisputed champion of the world! I grovel like the pitiful loser I am! I grovel like a guy who hasn't got a date the day before Prom and the only girl around is the head cheerleader, that's how much I grovel! I grovel like a groveler! One who is really really groveling! Oh Katie, most lively of all the Katie's I've ever met, I grovel like a video game addict trapped in arcade without a quarter, that's how much I grovel. You would not believe the depths of my grovelry! I grovel like a guy with a large order of fries and the only salt shaker is at the table of the school bully. I grovel like a MASAP addict without an internet connection. I grovel like an intergalactic hitchhiker without a towel, a Jim without a Pam and a Bob without his goldfish. I'm sorry, so so sorry, that I haven't told you this about me: I used to think I was a seagull. Please still love me?

There are three reasons why we could never be Facebook friends:
1) You believe in the string theory. The string theory is preposterous. For this alone we cannot be FB friends, or even real-life acquaintances for that matter.
2) I have a friend quota, and it is full. yes, that's right, 742 is the maximum. Sorry, no more room for friends! There's studies on that you know, about how many people we can be realistically expected to maintain relationships with. I can't just be friends with every goober Katie Wilde out there in the wide world.
3) What would people think if they knew about us? If we went public as friends on FB, people might begin to suspect the truth.

My favorite fish is none at all. Fish are gross. They're basically mercury with fins.
Twilight is aight. I read all the books. Didn't care at All for the first movie, and haven't bothered to see New Moon.
My mother's maiden name is Hall, like the room in your house. Did that just blow your mind? I bet you've never thought of the "hall" as a room. Well now you do! Think of it as a room the next time you walk down it.
On a side note, it's interesting that we walk THROUGH all the rooms in our house except for the hall, which we walk DOWN. Why in the world is that??? It's not the basement!!!

MASAP is an incredible collection of clever authors, wonderful videos and lovely interaction between like-minded people from all over the world. MASAP is both a FB group, a blog and a feeling in my heart. Who is MASAP? The world is our MASAP, and you should be too.

My favorite pickup line:
The Saltillo plant in Northern Mexico. They make Dodge Rams there.

Love you bye,
-Travis

Strawberries

What are strawberries? An ingredient in a certain type of shortcake? A lump of organic mass that can be either thrown or eaten? An evidence of our 3-D world? A reason for China's recent cyber attack?

Well, according to a certain Daniel Boggs of Prescott, Arizona, they are a nuisance. Is it because of their scrumptious taste or because of their potential use as an alternative fuel? No. It is for none of these reasons. Daniel finds their texture repulsive. A textile expert, Daniel Boggs likes words that sound like textile. Texture is one of these words. Because of the similarity in the phonology of these two otherwise unrelated words, Daniel Boggs began focusing on the textures of the foods that he ate. Quickly, he discovered that he had an eternal hatred of all fruits. But of all textural concerns, the fruit that was the most repulsive was the strawberry. On a side note, it is not even a coincidence that Hitler's all-time favorite fruit was the strawberry. He usually liked to have it with cream or sugar, and took millions of Reichsmarks away from his war machine to supply his dogs with an adequate daily diet of strawberries and cream. But that is beside the point.

Because of Mr. Bogg's influence in the textile world, millions were beginning to boycott the strawberry industry. Fearful of the longterm equilibrium levels of this leftward demand shift, the prominent Swanton Berry Farm of Davenport CA, took it upon themselves to hire Coldplay to write a song about strawberries to release with their album, "Viva la Vida." The Swanton farm furthermore commissioned the English alternative band to make a music video to accompany the song, in an effort to change the sinking public opinion of Strawberries. This was the result of Coldplay's work:




So far there are no official reports citing an increase of strawberry demand since this massive joint undertaking of Coldplay and Swanton Berry Farm.

Maybe the raspy, unmelodic voice of Daniel Boggs speaks louder than Coldplay's Chris Martin.

-the Voter

School Shooting

From the Onion News Network comes another shocking report: A school shooting in Tampa Bay Florida. With little desire to steal the thunder from the official report, we turn the time over to the ONN:



A truly unexpected act from a man with a long history of school shootings. A tragedy that we would not anticipate again any time soon.

-Psymon
ONN MASAP Correspondant

haXXor

So some of you have been wondering, what has been slowing us down here at MASAP headquarters the last few days. Funny thing you would ask. Well, the attacks on MASAP intelligence are rampant, as are the attempts at breaking into our treasury. This week we had our website hacked by China, and our bank vault emptied by the Joker.

luckily our security service, getty images, got a photo of the Chinese man that hacked our website. we know he was chinese, because they hacked Google. We have also included an image of the Joker, in case you did not know what he looks like


we also want you to know that all of us here at MASAP are doing our very best to increase security. We hired batman and jason bourne to help us with the issue. also, we had jeff yeager translate all of the binary into pig latin to confuse any future hackers. the chinese don't know pig latin. especially the binary kind.

-the Voter.

Snow White

Dear Masap,

I was watching a modern version of Snow White the other day and got to thinking of how tragically wrong they got the story. Even the Grimm Brothers wrote it wrong and added the whole evil queen and crazy hunter thing just to make it a more exciting story. I have decided to tell you all how the original story of Snow White goes…just to set the record straight.

Once upon a time there was this girl. She lived with her father in a far away land. One day the girl wandered off into the forest and frolicked along with the woodland creatures until she suddenly got very tired. So she lay down and took a nap in the middle of a meadow. When she awoke, the sun had gone down and she was now terribly lost. All of her furry friends had gone home and there were now scary sounds coming from the woods around her. Off in the distance, she saw smoke rising in the air above the tree tops and decided to venture towards it to find safety.

As she approached she could hear people inside. She cautiously knocked on the front door. A moment later, the door slowly opened to reveal a quaint little cottage and seven midget men. She explained her plight to the tiny gentlemen and they welcomed her in so that she might rest for the night. Because they were so little and slept in little beds, they had to push a few of them together so that she could fit and get a good night’s rest. In the mean time, the midget men found various places in the house to sleep, such as the couch, the kitchen counter, on top of the washer and dryer, the desktop, the bathtub, and in the closet.

The next morning, the girl found herself all alone in the house because the men had gone to work out in the woods and there was some extra breakfast on the kitchen table. She slowly ate as she surveyed the room around her, and after putting her dishes in the sink, she set out on her merry way. As she again came across the green meadow she had napped in the day before, she was greeted by her cheerful woodland creature friends. They sang and frolicked through the woods, back towards her home. As she neared the house, she could see the young boy she had so often played with, searching frantically for her. Calling his name, she waved happily and skipped over to meet him. He wrapped her in a big hug and then they linked arms and skipped off together, to play and laugh until it was time for bed. The end.


For today’s video, I would like to share with you one of my favorites: Viva La Vida meets Love Story. Enjoy!


you'll have to copy this one into another tab. this one is definitely worth it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xXtVBJDPs6k

Becka Wiser
Vice President

TV Shows and Daylight Savings

Has anyone ever noticed that a lot of TV shows and movies are just ridiculously predictable? For example, on Saturday we were watching the SyFy (SciFi) channel, and we watched two movies: Dinoshark and Dinocroc. We were able to predict every single person that died. It was pretty pathetic. We also wondered if the people that make those movies realize how ridiculous they are. Every time someone died, instead of freaking out or being sad, we laughed. Almost every time someone died, we laughed. It was that ridiculous.

Back to my original point. It’s fascinating how similar movies have all become. As evidence, I present this trailer for every academy award winning movie ever. Make sure you pay special attention to everything they say. Here it is:



In other news, if you haven’t done it yet, make sure you move your clocks forward. Daylight Savings already happened. If you’ve been wondering why your schedules haven’t been syncing, now you know. Get on that.



Now I know who to blame for the hour of sleep that I lost this week. I will never forgive him.

Jeff Yeager
President. Advocate of Daylight Savings Time Removal.

Emerging Competition

So Masappers, this should be an interesting read for you. I found out today that there is another facebook group called 'MASAP.' I researched them, and discovered a very disturbing thing: they have actually tried to assign a meaning to the acronym MASAP. I could not believe my eyes! They actually assigned words to each individual letter of the MASAP acronym. A big step forward in world politics! Acting under the direction of MASAP President Yeager, I took the initiative to message the creator and head administrator of the other MASAP facebook group: A pretty young woman named Marie Schramke. This is my message to her in full:


Dear Marie,

My name is Jeremy Moore. Also, from what I can gather, I believe that we are mutually involved in the truly revolutionary cause of MASAP. Due to our similar interests, as well as our long history of cooperation, I believe that a merger would be a profitable proposition for the both of us.

A little bit of history for you:
Born in the ashes of your 20th anniversary celebration, yes on the very same evening (October 16, 2009), MASAP was born. With little wind to guide us, we followed the path of least resistance.

Logically, we wrote a daily newsletter. We searched for purpose. We found all the right friends in all the right places. When it seemed like no progress was being made, and at the very moment when my consciousness was about to sink into utter oblivion, it was as if a light turned on. A blinding, bright light that made me wonder if I had fallen asleep at a board meeting. After all the long hours of deliberation, research, and board meetings (which always make me bored...), we were inspired to name ourselves the "Maine Association of Student Affairs Practitioners," a wholly unremarkable name to say the least. We hurried over to the patent office in our beat-up hot air balloon, only to found that you had arrived first. 20 years before. To the day.

I'm sure you can relate.

Since our name was taken, the Feds weren't about to let us register. Ever since that time, we have labored without ceasing, continuously pressing on in an effort to reach the state of perfection that the Hindu's call Nirvana. After listening to a few albums, I decided I wasn't a big fan.

Nevertheless and notwithstanding, I come to you humbly, begging for a truthful response to my plea. On bended knee, I beseech of you-- come to the negotiation table. Allow us some kind of treaty, alliance, business merger, or NAP.

Respectfully Yours,
Jeremy Moore
the Voter
MASAP




I await her response. Also, more instruction will follow. In the meantime, I am yours, forever and always.

Respectfully,
-the Voter.

Daylight Saving Time

Dearest Masappers,

There are many reasons as to why we have Daylight Saving Time at all, and they are as follows:

1)So we have a legitimate excuse to miss Church on Sunday.
2)So farmers can have more time during the day to work on their fields and milk their cows and feed their goats and chew tobacco.
3)To save energy. More daylight means cooking outdoors, which means less electricity and more flies on our food. Also more calories in our food, if you count the flies.
4)So we can swim and boat at the lake and enjoy Arizona sunsets for an hour longer each day.
5)Crime happens at night, so when we have daylight, crime decreases. Just think, without all the daylight lying around during the Summer, all the teenagers who have no school, no jobs and no common sense would just be smashing things, doing drugs, street racing and writing computer viruses on their iPhones.

Whether we like it or not, Daylight Saving Time is upon us, and I for one am scared. What do I have to be afraid of? The Conspiracy, of course.

Reasons 1-4 are all myths as to why Daylight Saving Time exists, number 5 I made up, and the 6th reason is actually the most correct.

6)So birds have more time to migrate.

Can you believe it? Have you ever noticed that Daylight Saving Time always occurs around Fall and Spring migration? I bet not. It’s no coincidence, however, that they occur simultaneously every year, year in and year out. The Wing-ed People Rights and Interests group is one of the most powerful and most well entrenched lobbying groups in the world. With over 3 million birds in D.C. alone, there’s no wonder that they can mess with time in ways even Einstein’s theories can’t possibly describe.

Scenario: Imagine you live in Washington D.C. and you wake up one morning. What’s the first thing you hear? It’s not your alarm clock, it’s BIRDS. They are singing, and while you might assume they’re singing such phrases as, “Top of the morning to you, Robin!” or “What a tasty insect I just ate, Anna’s Hummingbird!” or even, “Mr. House Finch and I are just starting our third batch of kids this year!”, what they’re actually singing is, “Give us more time to migrate, Senate Majority Leader!”. This is an insidious, yet invisible problem.

Migration must be hard on the poor little guys, but it terrifies me that birds have more control over our politicians than we give them credit for. I’m also quite troubled by the ability of small, insignificant wing-ed creatures having enough power to change TIME.

On another note, the single reason I’m up this late is this: I wanted to see my phone skip one hour and one minute.I watched as the time went from 1:59 AM to 3AM in only sixty seconds. It was pretty cool! Yet it’s the birds’ fault, I swear.



-Travis Moore

Mad Libs

My name is Jeremy Moore. Even at a young age I knew I was a breakfast idiot. My friends loved their slinky, but I loved my gooey omelette pan. While the other kids pranced around the streets pretending to be Kyla Rohrbough, I saw myself as Captain Grits. They played raquetball, I played bacon cook-off. They complained about politics and I got lost in my new "All Breakfast, All Day" cookbook. They went to prom, I went to the granola with milk Cook-A-Thon. They chose their colleges based on dancing programs, I counted the number of breakfast joints within Junior Jamming distance. After college I turned down 23,486 jobs in order to live 2,347 feet from the best breakfast in Provo. Like I said before, I always knew I was a Breakfast Lover.

Thanks to Denny's of Provo for sponsoring this exciting Mad Lib and an awesome Junior Jammers tournament.

-Becka Wiser, Vice President.

iPhone Part 4

we have explored the uses of the iPhone, contemplated its existence, and used the theory of relativity to construct the relative size of the iPhone when travelling at the speed of light. yet there is one topic we have yet to discuss.

what happens when you DO get your own iPhone?

well, because the iPhone is not at all useful by itself, you must spice it up. this can be done in a plethora of ways: accessories, cases, and applications. today we will discuss applications. an application is an entirely useless program that can be added to its complementary entirely useless electronic device: your iPhone.

okay, assuming you now have your own iPhone and have loaded it with applications, what do you do?

nothing, presumably. absolutely nothing. you probably shouldn't have wasted your money.

since you did, try to enjoy it.

play papi jump.

-the Voter

iPhone Part 3

Dearest Masappers,

Phone calls have but one purpose: they created office jobs for those formerly known as door-to-door salesmen.

I’m reminded of a story of one of the Presidents’ of the United States who was in the White House one evening when the “emergency telephone” rang. That telephone is directly linked to a few select individuals, including the governors of each State. He answered it to find a telemarketer on the other line.

I like phone calls. Much better than texts, actually, though I engage in a fair bit of those. My longest phone call ever was about a year ago, a 3-way call with Natalie and Eric that lasted for 5 hours and 45 minutes. I know for a fact that I was asleep for some of that conversation.

Phone call etiquette has deteriorated as cellphones have become ubiquitous. Consequently, the Daily Universe would like to remind everyone that you shouldn’t call 911 to find out what time the BYU football game is, though it’s quite appropriate, should you need an outside opinion, to ask the operator if you look like a butter factory.

I end with a plea for all to heed the wise words of Michael Sylvestre during his travel safety speech on February 14th, 2010: "Always talk on your cellphone while driving."

-Travis Moore
Phone Call Enthusiast
928.848.7170 Call me!

Bonus video:


And now Julian Smith's third take on "Get Your Own iPhone".

iPhone part 2

After yesterdays discussion of google earth, I felt that it would be important to explore other aspects of the iPhone.

In our prior discussion, we established that one of the primary capabilities of the iPhone is its ability to send and receive text messages. However, there is some controversy as to whether this is actually a good thing.

The first text message was sent in 1989 by Edward Lantz, a former employee of NASA. Quickly gaining popularity, it has become dangerous.

From the articlesbase.com article, "The History of Text Messaging," we read:

"According to the Global Messaging Survey conducted by Nokia, text messaging has been proven to be an addictive activity. This has been confirmed by a study by the University of Queensland which is based in Australia. It has been compared to be as addictive as cigarette smoking."

Wow. wow. Not only has Apple inadvertently connected itself with the google earth scam, it has also become an advocate of addictive behaviors, encouraging children all over the world to smoke.

As if that wasn't enough, my mom has started text messaging. What is the world coming to?

To Be Continued...



-the Voter

iPhone

Inspired by Julian Smith, we are going to have a four part series on the Apple iPhone.

The iPhone is a device that is apparently useful. No one is aware exactly how it works, and no one knows why it is useful. Also, I do not have an iPhone. Most people do not have iPhones, which has led to a terrible societal dilemma. iPhone-less people everywhere have become entirely dependent upon their iPhone-bearing comrades for all sorts of menial, yet somehow urgent needs.

Some uses of the iPhone include, but are not limited to: phonecalls. Also text messaging. Also, access to google earth (which is similar to the earth that we live on, only it is smaller and hand-held). In the alternate 'google earth' dimension, my home has not yet been built. Instead their sits a vacant, strangely triangular plot of empty land. I have heard different explanations for this.

Perhaps google earth is a bit 'behind the times' and will eventually get around to photographing my very real house. Or, quite possibly, it seems likely that google is not real, but is some kind of evil plot that has been perpetuated throughout all of these years. the mega-million dollar company is merely a front for an evil conspiracy generated from an alternate dimension. In this alternate universe, my house does not exist, and in a thoughtful stream of logical progression, I probably do not exist either.

Back to the iPhone. As established, its only uses are phone calls, texting, and google earth. The first two are useful, but also possible with numerous other phone types. Google earth is neither useful nor desirable.

To be continued...



-the Voter

Comedians All Around Us

Dear Masappers,

Humor. It makes me happy. It makes me laugh.

Experiences from tonight:

Some friends and I went to Elder Ronald A. Rasband’s speech tonight on the BYU campus, specifically in the basketball arena. The sports center gets used for both sporting events and speeches, so they have different sets of lighting. Tonight they were using stage lights and had them shining on all the audience seating areas. At the very beginning of the meeting I heard this conversation from the couple sitting in front of me:
Guy: These lights are really bright! *shields his eyes with his hands*
Girl: *laughs in surprise* Do you want to move? *starts giggling uncontrollably at the thought of moving*
Guy: Yeah! These lights are really bright!
Girl: *still giggling* *gradually stops giggling…..*
Guy and Girl: Get up and move to a more dimly-lit section of the arena

What a fun little interaction, especially because the girl was laughing at her boyfriend, who was serious from the beginning.

As we were leaving we passed a few buses in the parking lot. As we passed the open doors of one of the buses I heard this true gem:
Lady standing at the front of the bus: Is there anyone on this bus who is not supposed to be on this bus?

I scanned the occupants of the bus and saw someone jokingly raise their hand, then lower it before being noticed by the lady. That’s not funny though; what’s funny is that group that ended up with more people than they started with and the poor lady in charge trying to figure out how that was possible!

Many years ago Jerry Seinfeld released a movie called ‘The Comedian’. I’ve never seen the film, but the trailer, which I’m sure has nothing to do with the film itself, is epic. Enjoy!


Travis Moore,
Supreme Overmaster Highlord Grand Moff Superdude.

Circular Reality

So here is the story, a very true story.

I was walking to school one day with my good friend wolverine and we were talking about politics when suddenly a giant hole opened up in the sky. It looked very much like a vortex of some sort, and before anyone had time to react a small green object came flying out of the vortex and fell down to the earth. As it struck the ground a giant explosion went off and wolverine jumped in front of me to try and stop the blast. I was miraculously safe, but wolverine was torn to pieces and for some strange reason his powers blasted out of him and into me.

The next few months were a living nightmare, everything inside a 10 mile radius was completely destroyed and and radiation caused by the bomb turned almost everyone else on the earth into a crazed flesh eating zombie. The few of us that survived the blast and the radiation were forced to run for our lives and scavenge off the land. Me and a few other people found food and shelter in a local mini-mall. Still we knew it was a matter of time until the zombies found us.

This day eventually came and the zombies started to swarm our mall. We decided to hole up in a CVS. As we ran inside, the metal gate game down and cut me clean in half, but since I still had wolverine's powers both halves grew back into a complete me, one on the inside of the CVS and one on the outside. My current consciousness resided in the me inside of the CVS and i could tell by the look in the other Me's eyes that he was pure evil. In that instant he ran away... never to be seen again.

I decided to put a stop to this zombie apocalypse once and for all. So using the various flavors of mint gum I constructed a bomb that would wipe all the zombies off the face of the earth. With a well aimed throw I lobbed the bomb at the zombies, but all of the sudden I saw my evil half approaching with a strange metallic device. He hit a button on this device and before I knew what was going on, a giant vortex opened up right in front of me. Through this vortex I saw my school in the past. I watched in horror as my mint bomb flew into the vortex and straight at a small boy and wolverine walking to school...

True dream I had.

-Ace Mckenzi Defender of the Truth

Laziness.

“We are what we are as a people because our ancestors were not afraid of honest, hard work. Our forefathers understood the necessity of it; sheer survival demanded it. A common ingredient among all successful people is an understanding of what constitutes paying the price of success. Basic in that formula of paying the price is an inner gift of determination that “I’ll do whatever it takes.” That means, “I’ll work hard, with integrity, to achieve my goal.”

Great athletes are hard workers. Points, rebounds, assists, tackles, goals, and home runs are all the result of long hours of painstaking practice and hard work. The bulk of that practice will always be on your own, away from the coach. Victory is brought to pass by one’s personal diligence and commitment to hard work. The view of a champion, and the glory that surrounds him, must never be overshadowed by the long process of becoming one. There is a time of preparation and a time of victory. The second mile of hard work is what makes the difference between the exhilaration of achievement and the acceptance of mediocrity.” –F. David Stanley

Dear Masappers,

I address you today in a most hurried fashion. I have absolutely nothing to do this afternoon, but if you were here you would most assuredly remark, “Wow he types fast!” In this fast-fingered manner I now treat the topic of laziness.

Anne Frank, the 3-time world champion of hide-and-go-seek (1941, 1942, 1943)said, “Laziness may appear attractive, but work gives satisfaction.”

One of my laziness-pet-peeves is profanity. “Profanity is the attempt of a lazy and feeble mind to express itself forcefully.”

I say, if you can’t say something clean, don’t say anything at all!
And if you can’t get clean, learn how to bathe!

Growing up in Prescott Arizona, I often heard the words, “There’s nothing to do here.” That phrase invokes a feeling within me a feeling of sadness; and a desire: a desire to take them by the hand and show them all the wonders, beauties, adventures, possibilities and activities that are available EVERY DAY. Then I wish to double-kick them in the face for being so preposterous. Never in my entire life has there been a day where I had "nothing to do!"

“I do not believe people can be happy unless they have work to do. One can really be more of a slave to idleness than to work.” –Neal A. Maxwell

“Laziness travels so slowly that poverty soon overtakes him.” –Benjamin Franklin


Included today are three videos. All of these demonstrate diligence, sacrifice and above all, work.

Lazy Legz didn’t let a disability slow him down, and has the core strength of an ox and moves that dazzle everyone!



OKGo is known for their creative music videos. This video has been previously highlighted by Jeremy in his article on the origin of music, but I’ve included it again in case you missed it. If you haven’t seen this, you should!

OK Go - This Too Shall Pass from OK Go on Vimeo.

How fantastic is that!

Now for the grand finale, behold THIS:


WOW.

That is WORK. That is EFFORT. DEDICATION. DILIGENCE.

Bob Hope once said, “People who throw kisses are mighty hopelessly lazy.” That’s right, sock it to your significant other like a double kick to the face! Don’t be lazy!

“There is no substitute under the heavens for productive labor. It is the process by which dreams become realities. It is the process by which idle visions become dynamic achievements. Most of us are inherently lazy. We would rather play than work. We would rather loaf than work. A little play and a little loafing are good. But it is work that spells the difference in the life of a man or woman. It is stretching our minds and utilizing the skills of our hands that lift us from mediocrity. It is work that provides the food we eat, the clothing we wear, the homes in which we live. We cannot deny the need for work with skilled hands and educated minds if we are to grow and prosper individually” -Gordon B. Hinckley

-Travis Moore [Honorable Hardworking Horticultural Technician of the Year, 2009]

Prawpur Fonetik Spelling

Good day to you all. I hope that this newsletter finds you in good spirits because according to our voter, “a positive attitude is key.” Today I would like to ponder the use of spelling words. Have you ever noticed how some words are spelled funny and make no sense whatsoever. Take the word “friend” for example. Why on earth would you need to add the i in there? Spelling it “frend” would work equally as well and that way I wouldn’t have to sound the word out each time I tried to spell it. Also, “Wednesday” is another mystifying word. Does anyone ever pronounce the d? So why not spell is “wensday” since that is how it is commonly pronounced. Think about it Masappers, the world is tricking us into spelling words funny just because they can. (I suspect that the Queen of England is behind it) From this point forward, I would encourage you to spell things just the way they sound.

Just as thee Fownding Fathurs had to fiyt Eengland for theyr riyt to lief, libertee, and thee pursoot of hapines, we must reebel aganst the Kween of Eengland to reestor ar riyt to spel.

Alright, so that takes a lot of thought and I have now decided that I will continue to fall prey to the Queen of England’s tactics for spelling because I am too lazy.

In completely unrelated news, our video today is on the wonders of smell and how men can be changed by a simple body wash. And women, this can also affect how you are attracted to men. Also, horses are not just for girls.



With love from your vice-president,

Becka Wiser

U.S. Economy Grinds To Halt As Nation Realizes Money Just A Symbolic, Mutually Shared Illusion

WASHINGTON—The U.S. economy ceased to function this week after unexpected existential remarks by Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke shocked Americans into realizing that money is, in fact, just a meaningless and intangible social construct.




What began as a routine report before the Senate Finance Committee Tuesday ended with Bernanke passionately disavowing the entire concept of currency, and negating in an instant the very foundation of the world's largest economy.

"Though raising interest rates is unlikely at the moment, the Fed will of course act appropriately if we…if we…" said Bernanke, who then paused for a moment, looked down at his prepared statement, and shook his head in utter disbelief. "You know what? It doesn't matter. None of this—this so-called 'money'—really matters at all."

"It's just an illusion," a wide-eyed Bernanke added as he removed bills from his wallet and slowly spread them out before him. "Just look at it: Meaningless pieces of paper with numbers printed on them. Worthless."

According to witnesses, Finance Committee members sat in thunderstruck silence for several moments until Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) finally shouted out, "Oh my God, he's right. It's all a mirage. All of it—the money, our whole economy—it's all a lie!"

Screams then filled the Senate Chamber as lawmakers and members of the press ran for the exits, leaving in their wake aisles littered with the remains of torn currency.



U.S. markets closed as traders left their jobs and resolved for once to do or make something, anything of real value.

As news of the nation's collectively held delusion spread, the economy ground to a halt, with dumbfounded citizens everywhere walking out on their jobs as they contemplated the little green drawings of buildings and dead white men they once used to measure their adequacy and importance as human beings.

At the New York Stock Exchange, Wednesday morning's opening bell echoed across a silent floor as the few traders who arrived for work out of habit looked up blankly at the meaningless scrolling numbers on the flashing screens above.

"I've spent 25 years in this room yelling 'Buy, buy! Sell, sell!' and for what?" longtime trader Michael Palermo said. "All I've done is move arbitrary designations of wealth from one column to another, wasting my life chasing this unattainable hallucination of wealth."

"What a cruel cosmic joke," he added. "I'm going home to hug my daughter."

Sources at the White House said President Obama was "still trying to get his head around all this" and was in seclusion with his coin collection, muttering "it's just metal, it's just metal" over and over again.

"The president will be making a statement very soon," press secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters. "At the moment, though, his mind is just too blown to comment."

A few U.S. banks have remained open, though most teller windows are unmanned due to a lack of interest in transactions involving mere scraps of paper or, worse, decimal points and computer data signifying mere scraps of paper. At a Bank of America branch in Spokane, WA, curious former customers wandered aimlessly through a large empty vault, while several would-be robbers of a Chase bank in Columbus, OH reportedly put their guns down and exited the building hand in hand with security guards, laughing over the inherent absurdity of the idea of $100 bills.

Likewise, the real estate industry has all but vanished, with mortgage lenders seeing no reason to stop people from reclaiming their foreclosed-upon homes.

"I don't even know what we were thinking in the first place," said former banker Nathan Collins of Brandon, MS, as he jimmyed open a door to allow a single mother and her five children to move back into their house. "A bunch of people sign a bunch of papers, and now this family has no place to live? That's just plain ludicrous."

The realization that money is nothing more than an elaborate head game seems to have penetrated the entire country: In Wilmington, DE, for instance, a collection agent reportedly broke down in joyful sobs when he informed a woman on the other end of the phone that he had absolutely no reason to harass her anymore, as her Discover Card debt was no longer comprehensible.

For some Americans, the fog of disbelief surrounding the nation's epiphany has begun to lift, with many building new lives free from the illusion of money.

"It's back to basics for me," Bernard Polk of Waverly, OH said. "I'm going to till the soil for my own sustenance and get anything else I need by bartering. If I want milk, I'll pay for it in tomatoes. If need a new hoe, I'll pay for it in lettuce."

When asked, hypothetically, how he would pay for complicated life-saving surgery for a loved one, Polk seemed uncertain.

"That's a lot of vegetables, isn't it?" he said.

Source: http://www.theonion.com/content/news/u_s_economy_grinds_to_halt_as

Love,
Psymon.

MASAP Bowling Party

30 February 2010

I am aware of a general split of the space-time continuum. The majority of humanity decided to split into a strange dimension of reality that they are calling march. however, for all people educated, inspired, or awesome, there has been a fortunate continuation of february. if not for february 30th, there would have been no chance for us to have a bowling party.

Now many political scientists, anthropologists, and Chris Brown have been wondering about the repercussions of two alternate parallel realities. each have postulated their own theories. They are all wrong. Only Chris had something intelligent to say, and all he could venture was this:

'well, it sounds like fun to go bowling. and february has always been discriminated against. a few thousand years ago women got the right to vote. now gays are fighting to get the right to marry. pluto got demoted to some kind of sub-planet. All i'm saying is that its about time someone stood up for february.'

now, i have no idea what that meant. but if Chris is right, you need to make a stand. are you standing for february or against it? do you like to bowl, or are you antisocial? even if you don't like bowling, chances are that you like bowl games. which has absolutely nothing to do with our conversation.

all in all the party went great tonight. the only problem we had was when travis drove james' giant peach into a telephone wire. luckily, the wire only cut through to the peach pit, which saved travis the embarrassment of arriving with only half a giant peach. that could have been bad. also, i bowled straight down the gutter every time.

embarassing.

well, depending on your political views, tomorrow will be march first or third. also if you follow the mayan calendar, the world is ending pretty soon.

sounds fun. but not as fun as february.



now, i wish these guys would wisen up and start kicking bowling balls, but still, its pretty cool.

-the Voter.

The things people say...

Well MASAPers, this was an email my mom sent me this week. I thought I'd share it with you all. This is to help make you feel more intelligent... that is, knowing that other people just say some of the stupidest things:


(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry.. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

--Mariah Carey

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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"

-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign

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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"


--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.


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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"


--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .

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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."


--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."


--Al Gore, Vice President

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"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix "


-- Dan Quayle

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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"


--Lee Iacocca

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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."


--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."


-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."


--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

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"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery

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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman



Wow. Now that you all feel a little bit smarter, or at least smarter than some other people, I feel the need to dumb you all down again. How about I throw some boots at your heads?









Jeff Yeager

Mr. President. Also, Hegemon. Also, Member of the Board.