Timothy Richman

Now you may have heard of Barack Obama. Most of you know Michael Sylvestre. And EVERYONE knows Faith Goimarac.

Now let me tell you about someone you have never heard, seen, touched, tasted, or smelled. This man is: Timothy Richman.

Before you continue, watch this brief history of his life:

Now despite an amazing childhood, he had a tragic adulthood. Mostly you hear of these amazing people that overcame terrible childhoods to have a successful adult life. Timothy is not one of these people. Timothy overcame an amazing childhood to have a really depressing adult life.

In the year 2000, Timothy got cancer. He discovered the cure, saving himself, but forgot how he did it, angering thousands of fellow cancer patients. A few years later, in 2004, he got tuberculosis. He saved himself by removing his left lung. In 2005, he fell in love, but during his nightly meditation, she died of loneliness. Despite repeated efforts, he could not bring her back from the dead. In a widely unpublicized event in 2006, he took a bullet at a target range, saving the target from being punctured. In the hospital, Timothy memorized the Encyclopedia Britannica (in its entirety) and also (even more remarkably) read the Marvelous Work and a Wonder series. Despite his wishes, Timothy is likely to live for at least 15 more years. He has considered several forms of suicide, eventually deciding against it, because in each case he knew exactly how to save himself. Lately Timothy has written several incredible sonatas, each more mournful than the last. It seems that his largest unhappiness has come from his recent realization that he cannot simultaneously play the cello and the flute, regardless of intensive sessions of toe flexibility training and indoctrination with all sorts of conspiracy theories.

In an interview with MASAP reporter Psymon Trout, Timothy issued a statement addressed to the children of the rising generation:

"don't do what i did. i started out as a kid, just trying to be better than the next guy. now i regret it. why couldn't i have just been satisfied with mediocrity like everyone else? i plead with you to be just regular children. play kickball or tag instead of standing on the sidelines (like i did) practicing brain surgery on myself. thats all i'm trying to say. don't memorize your biology textbook, the teacher doesn't want you to know more than she does!"

And with those wise words from Timothy Richman, we will conclude.

Jeremy Moore

-your voter, also krispy kreme doughnut eater.