Summer Goals

Travis' Summer Goals:

Learn to play the guitar
Play Ultimate Frisbee as often as possible
Skydive
Hike mountains
Get wicked tan
3 words: Strength training
Earn money
Throw parties. Throw people. Throw pillows. Throw pillows at the people at the parties.
Jump, Jive and Wail
Finish shooting and editing my thesis film
Write a feature-length screenplay
Date all the girls
Meet Julian Smith
Plant a garden. Tend the garden. Eat the garden.
Sell my car. Buy a plane.
Discover ancient ship ruin on SCUBA diving expedition
Re-enact as much of the Bourne Trilogy as possible
Play with thermite
Take naps on all the lawns
Trim my toenails
Don't get arrested this time
Read Jesus the Christ, The Book of Mormon, I Saw a Rocket Walk a Mile and that one book for my Sociology class
Start an underground resistance group
Start an aboveground resistance group
Find my list of goals from LAST Summer

Much Ado About Nothing

alright ladies and gentlemen. listen up, cuz i got something to say!

i know that some of you have been disturbed about the lack of newsletters. to you, i am most sympathetic. i will now endeavor to explain myself, and to explain that you are making much ado about nothing.

when God created the earth, He did so in 6 days, or periods of time. no one ever suggested that they were 24 hours each. after all, a day is only 24 hours long when you are on earth, and God isn't from earth. what i'm trying to say is, MASAP is apparently a daily newsletter. this should not in any way suggest to your feeble mind that you will be hearing from us daily.

any questions?

also, i apologize if we have preconditioned you to this faulty supposition. i feel like pavlov ringing the bell at his dogs despite a dearth of dog food. in the future you will continue to hear from MASAP whenever we are on vacation. this might be daily for you, or daily for God. also it will probably be somewhere in between.

i love you, i care for you, and i vote for you.

Jeremy Moore
the Voter, who cares for and loves you. just like starfish loves you.

Festival of Colors

For this newsletter, I’d like to tell you all about my weekend the other weekend. On Saturday the 27th, I had the opportunity to go to a festival. This wasn’t just any normal festival. This was the Festival of Colors.

Story Time

In India, the Hindus celebrate the coming of Spring with the Festival of Colors at the end of every March. They have a big festival about peace, love, and unity… and throw colored powder everywhere!

End of Story Time

I’d tell you the actual story of how it came to be, but I don’t remember it that well. Google it if you’d like.

So they also have a Hindu temple near here in Spanish Fork, Utah. So a friend and I decided to go. It was one of the best experiences I’ve ever had. We had a blast and were highly entertained. The culmination of the festival was when they had a countdown to zero. When the countdown was finished everyone threw their bags of colored powder into the air and the world became a cloud of colorful dust. To help everyone appreciate the coolness of this festival, I’ll include a few photos and even a video or two. Just remember the purpose of the festival, and try to emulate all of these things as MASAP members.

LOVE. PEACE. UNITY. FUN.

Here’s the video:

And of course, some pictures:

I hope you all go next year!

Jeff Yeager

Mr. President. Hippy. Peacemaker.

A Dilemma of the Ages

Besides the obvious dilemma of Toilet Paper


there are other questions of the soul that beg an answer. Here is one such question that I received from
Eric Campbell:

Scenario: A comet is about to smash into the earth killing everyone. Somehow you have the only way of destroying it and you do so, yet it uses all of your physical strength to accomplish the feat. There are cameras filming you as you destroy the comet. The whole world saw you save everyone. You're about to pass out form the strain you just put on your body. What catchy one liner would you say to the camera for everyone to hear? It will be the last sentence you ever utter. What would you say to the world?

Please leave your comments and valuables below.

-Travis Moore
Captain Obvious

Timothy Richman

Now you may have heard of Barack Obama. Most of you know Michael Sylvestre. And EVERYONE knows Faith Goimarac.

Now let me tell you about someone you have never heard, seen, touched, tasted, or smelled. This man is: Timothy Richman.

Before you continue, watch this brief history of his life:

Now despite an amazing childhood, he had a tragic adulthood. Mostly you hear of these amazing people that overcame terrible childhoods to have a successful adult life. Timothy is not one of these people. Timothy overcame an amazing childhood to have a really depressing adult life.

In the year 2000, Timothy got cancer. He discovered the cure, saving himself, but forgot how he did it, angering thousands of fellow cancer patients. A few years later, in 2004, he got tuberculosis. He saved himself by removing his left lung. In 2005, he fell in love, but during his nightly meditation, she died of loneliness. Despite repeated efforts, he could not bring her back from the dead. In a widely unpublicized event in 2006, he took a bullet at a target range, saving the target from being punctured. In the hospital, Timothy memorized the Encyclopedia Britannica (in its entirety) and also (even more remarkably) read the Marvelous Work and a Wonder series. Despite his wishes, Timothy is likely to live for at least 15 more years. He has considered several forms of suicide, eventually deciding against it, because in each case he knew exactly how to save himself. Lately Timothy has written several incredible sonatas, each more mournful than the last. It seems that his largest unhappiness has come from his recent realization that he cannot simultaneously play the cello and the flute, regardless of intensive sessions of toe flexibility training and indoctrination with all sorts of conspiracy theories.

In an interview with MASAP reporter Psymon Trout, Timothy issued a statement addressed to the children of the rising generation:

"don't do what i did. i started out as a kid, just trying to be better than the next guy. now i regret it. why couldn't i have just been satisfied with mediocrity like everyone else? i plead with you to be just regular children. play kickball or tag instead of standing on the sidelines (like i did) practicing brain surgery on myself. thats all i'm trying to say. don't memorize your biology textbook, the teacher doesn't want you to know more than she does!"

And with those wise words from Timothy Richman, we will conclude.

Jeremy Moore

-your voter, also krispy kreme doughnut eater.

Summer Lovin'

Well MASAPers, another day has come and gone. For those of us in school, school continues to consume our lives. Especially if you’re here at BYU, we have finals next week. What stress. But then it will be summer. How glorious. I’m quite excited. Although I will still be here at school, I will only be taking two classes and I will be able to fully enjoy the summer sun and the sports and activities that come along with it. One of my favorite sports (although I haven’t played it in years) is Baseball: the old American past time. In fact, today’s video comes from the world of Baseball. I’m sure many of you have seen this before. For those of you who haven’t, you’re in for a real treat.

So, hang on tight, finish out the school year, and then enjoy this summer with all your heart, might, mind, and strength!

Jeff Yeager

Mr. President. Summer Lover. Hippy.

Vacation time means MASAP time!!

Dearest Masappers,
Long has it been since I last had the privilege of addressing you. In the last 7 days much has changed, including the time. Some have wondered why MASAP went on vacation. That is an incorrect idea, statement and even notion. Some have wondered when MASAP would return from vacation. You have it all backwards.

"MASAP must be on vacation", echoes the clarion call from the mountains. False.

MASAP does not go on vacation. MASAP does occasionally, however, go to work, and that is precisely what happened. All major, minor and even diminished 7th writers and contributors went to work for one week. It was a surreal experience. Most usually our lives are wrapped up in only two things: writing daily newsletters when we're awake and blankets when we're asleep.

Now that we're back on vacation from work (which I've decided is very overrated after nearly a quarter-moon of experience) everything should be back to...how it used to be. Back in the day. Front in the night.

Love,
Travis
Retired CPA (Certified Public Accident)

My Sad Little Happy Life

As a few of you may know, I've been experiencing strange physical symptoms for many years. Countless doctors and endless tests did nothing to diagnose my condition, and I felt helpless.

That all changed today. I'm grateful for MASAP and the medium it provides me to blog about my life, my ideas, my feelings and my Justin Bieber. And today you all have the unique opportunity to hear about my diagnosis, which, while terminal, is a welcome relief to the years of waiting, wondering and most of all: suffering.

I met with a special team of specialists at the BYU Health Clinic this morning and tested positive for awesome.

I'm awesome! Now I know why I've always been able to read minds. Now I know why I'm so incredibly talented at Ultimate Frisbee. No longer will I wonder who is the best Fugitive runner or hardcore Parkour enthusiast. The answer is me! Special talents such as

1) the ability to destroy Lynn Ellis' yard, backyard, interior house and self-esteem

2) eating 15 cadbury eggs in one sitting

3) being able to detect one part shark in one million parts air

4) knowing how to sing the National Anthem of every South American and African nation

5) vampire hunting skills

6) extreme clothes ironing capability

were all only possible because of my handicap!

Today is April Fool's Day. There was only one good April Fool's joke, and I gotta give the guy props. There we were in class, and the Professor suggested we play Simon Says. We all thought he was joking on this day of Jokes, but no, he was dead serious. We all stand up and he starts calling out commands. About halfway through the game (half the people had lost already and had left the classroom), the Professor grabs his chest with his hands and falls to the floor. Very good, professor, very good. Just try and get me to move from my position (which happened to be left foot green, right hand yellow and left hand Alycia's thyroid gland) to save you from your "heart attack". Imagine our surprise when he got all stiff and cold. That was awkward.

I don't have long to live. The Specialists said that someone with my condition has only a limited amount of time to live. Until then, don't follow me. I walk through walls.

Besides myself, you know what else is awesome? There's a new species of Penguin that was discovered that can actually FLY. Today's video is courtesy of Eric Moore from Jay's Bird Barn. Thanks for sending me this link dad! Oh yeah, the BBC helped out too.

-Travis Moore

Awesome.