Laziness.

“We are what we are as a people because our ancestors were not afraid of honest, hard work. Our forefathers understood the necessity of it; sheer survival demanded it. A common ingredient among all successful people is an understanding of what constitutes paying the price of success. Basic in that formula of paying the price is an inner gift of determination that “I’ll do whatever it takes.” That means, “I’ll work hard, with integrity, to achieve my goal.”

Great athletes are hard workers. Points, rebounds, assists, tackles, goals, and home runs are all the result of long hours of painstaking practice and hard work. The bulk of that practice will always be on your own, away from the coach. Victory is brought to pass by one’s personal diligence and commitment to hard work. The view of a champion, and the glory that surrounds him, must never be overshadowed by the long process of becoming one. There is a time of preparation and a time of victory. The second mile of hard work is what makes the difference between the exhilaration of achievement and the acceptance of mediocrity.” –F. David Stanley

Dear Masappers,

I address you today in a most hurried fashion. I have absolutely nothing to do this afternoon, but if you were here you would most assuredly remark, “Wow he types fast!” In this fast-fingered manner I now treat the topic of laziness.

Anne Frank, the 3-time world champion of hide-and-go-seek (1941, 1942, 1943)said, “Laziness may appear attractive, but work gives satisfaction.”

One of my laziness-pet-peeves is profanity. “Profanity is the attempt of a lazy and feeble mind to express itself forcefully.”

I say, if you can’t say something clean, don’t say anything at all!
And if you can’t get clean, learn how to bathe!

Growing up in Prescott Arizona, I often heard the words, “There’s nothing to do here.” That phrase invokes a feeling within me a feeling of sadness; and a desire: a desire to take them by the hand and show them all the wonders, beauties, adventures, possibilities and activities that are available EVERY DAY. Then I wish to double-kick them in the face for being so preposterous. Never in my entire life has there been a day where I had "nothing to do!"

“I do not believe people can be happy unless they have work to do. One can really be more of a slave to idleness than to work.” –Neal A. Maxwell

“Laziness travels so slowly that poverty soon overtakes him.” –Benjamin Franklin


Included today are three videos. All of these demonstrate diligence, sacrifice and above all, work.

Lazy Legz didn’t let a disability slow him down, and has the core strength of an ox and moves that dazzle everyone!



OKGo is known for their creative music videos. This video has been previously highlighted by Jeremy in his article on the origin of music, but I’ve included it again in case you missed it. If you haven’t seen this, you should!

OK Go - This Too Shall Pass from OK Go on Vimeo.

How fantastic is that!

Now for the grand finale, behold THIS:


WOW.

That is WORK. That is EFFORT. DEDICATION. DILIGENCE.

Bob Hope once said, “People who throw kisses are mighty hopelessly lazy.” That’s right, sock it to your significant other like a double kick to the face! Don’t be lazy!

“There is no substitute under the heavens for productive labor. It is the process by which dreams become realities. It is the process by which idle visions become dynamic achievements. Most of us are inherently lazy. We would rather play than work. We would rather loaf than work. A little play and a little loafing are good. But it is work that spells the difference in the life of a man or woman. It is stretching our minds and utilizing the skills of our hands that lift us from mediocrity. It is work that provides the food we eat, the clothing we wear, the homes in which we live. We cannot deny the need for work with skilled hands and educated minds if we are to grow and prosper individually” -Gordon B. Hinckley

-Travis Moore [Honorable Hardworking Horticultural Technician of the Year, 2009]

Prawpur Fonetik Spelling

Good day to you all. I hope that this newsletter finds you in good spirits because according to our voter, “a positive attitude is key.” Today I would like to ponder the use of spelling words. Have you ever noticed how some words are spelled funny and make no sense whatsoever. Take the word “friend” for example. Why on earth would you need to add the i in there? Spelling it “frend” would work equally as well and that way I wouldn’t have to sound the word out each time I tried to spell it. Also, “Wednesday” is another mystifying word. Does anyone ever pronounce the d? So why not spell is “wensday” since that is how it is commonly pronounced. Think about it Masappers, the world is tricking us into spelling words funny just because they can. (I suspect that the Queen of England is behind it) From this point forward, I would encourage you to spell things just the way they sound.

Just as thee Fownding Fathurs had to fiyt Eengland for theyr riyt to lief, libertee, and thee pursoot of hapines, we must reebel aganst the Kween of Eengland to reestor ar riyt to spel.

Alright, so that takes a lot of thought and I have now decided that I will continue to fall prey to the Queen of England’s tactics for spelling because I am too lazy.

In completely unrelated news, our video today is on the wonders of smell and how men can be changed by a simple body wash. And women, this can also affect how you are attracted to men. Also, horses are not just for girls.



With love from your vice-president,

Becka Wiser

U.S. Economy Grinds To Halt As Nation Realizes Money Just A Symbolic, Mutually Shared Illusion

WASHINGTON—The U.S. economy ceased to function this week after unexpected existential remarks by Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke shocked Americans into realizing that money is, in fact, just a meaningless and intangible social construct.




What began as a routine report before the Senate Finance Committee Tuesday ended with Bernanke passionately disavowing the entire concept of currency, and negating in an instant the very foundation of the world's largest economy.

"Though raising interest rates is unlikely at the moment, the Fed will of course act appropriately if we…if we…" said Bernanke, who then paused for a moment, looked down at his prepared statement, and shook his head in utter disbelief. "You know what? It doesn't matter. None of this—this so-called 'money'—really matters at all."

"It's just an illusion," a wide-eyed Bernanke added as he removed bills from his wallet and slowly spread them out before him. "Just look at it: Meaningless pieces of paper with numbers printed on them. Worthless."

According to witnesses, Finance Committee members sat in thunderstruck silence for several moments until Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) finally shouted out, "Oh my God, he's right. It's all a mirage. All of it—the money, our whole economy—it's all a lie!"

Screams then filled the Senate Chamber as lawmakers and members of the press ran for the exits, leaving in their wake aisles littered with the remains of torn currency.



U.S. markets closed as traders left their jobs and resolved for once to do or make something, anything of real value.

As news of the nation's collectively held delusion spread, the economy ground to a halt, with dumbfounded citizens everywhere walking out on their jobs as they contemplated the little green drawings of buildings and dead white men they once used to measure their adequacy and importance as human beings.

At the New York Stock Exchange, Wednesday morning's opening bell echoed across a silent floor as the few traders who arrived for work out of habit looked up blankly at the meaningless scrolling numbers on the flashing screens above.

"I've spent 25 years in this room yelling 'Buy, buy! Sell, sell!' and for what?" longtime trader Michael Palermo said. "All I've done is move arbitrary designations of wealth from one column to another, wasting my life chasing this unattainable hallucination of wealth."

"What a cruel cosmic joke," he added. "I'm going home to hug my daughter."

Sources at the White House said President Obama was "still trying to get his head around all this" and was in seclusion with his coin collection, muttering "it's just metal, it's just metal" over and over again.

"The president will be making a statement very soon," press secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters. "At the moment, though, his mind is just too blown to comment."

A few U.S. banks have remained open, though most teller windows are unmanned due to a lack of interest in transactions involving mere scraps of paper or, worse, decimal points and computer data signifying mere scraps of paper. At a Bank of America branch in Spokane, WA, curious former customers wandered aimlessly through a large empty vault, while several would-be robbers of a Chase bank in Columbus, OH reportedly put their guns down and exited the building hand in hand with security guards, laughing over the inherent absurdity of the idea of $100 bills.

Likewise, the real estate industry has all but vanished, with mortgage lenders seeing no reason to stop people from reclaiming their foreclosed-upon homes.

"I don't even know what we were thinking in the first place," said former banker Nathan Collins of Brandon, MS, as he jimmyed open a door to allow a single mother and her five children to move back into their house. "A bunch of people sign a bunch of papers, and now this family has no place to live? That's just plain ludicrous."

The realization that money is nothing more than an elaborate head game seems to have penetrated the entire country: In Wilmington, DE, for instance, a collection agent reportedly broke down in joyful sobs when he informed a woman on the other end of the phone that he had absolutely no reason to harass her anymore, as her Discover Card debt was no longer comprehensible.

For some Americans, the fog of disbelief surrounding the nation's epiphany has begun to lift, with many building new lives free from the illusion of money.

"It's back to basics for me," Bernard Polk of Waverly, OH said. "I'm going to till the soil for my own sustenance and get anything else I need by bartering. If I want milk, I'll pay for it in tomatoes. If need a new hoe, I'll pay for it in lettuce."

When asked, hypothetically, how he would pay for complicated life-saving surgery for a loved one, Polk seemed uncertain.

"That's a lot of vegetables, isn't it?" he said.

Source: http://www.theonion.com/content/news/u_s_economy_grinds_to_halt_as

Love,
Psymon.

MASAP Bowling Party

30 February 2010

I am aware of a general split of the space-time continuum. The majority of humanity decided to split into a strange dimension of reality that they are calling march. however, for all people educated, inspired, or awesome, there has been a fortunate continuation of february. if not for february 30th, there would have been no chance for us to have a bowling party.

Now many political scientists, anthropologists, and Chris Brown have been wondering about the repercussions of two alternate parallel realities. each have postulated their own theories. They are all wrong. Only Chris had something intelligent to say, and all he could venture was this:

'well, it sounds like fun to go bowling. and february has always been discriminated against. a few thousand years ago women got the right to vote. now gays are fighting to get the right to marry. pluto got demoted to some kind of sub-planet. All i'm saying is that its about time someone stood up for february.'

now, i have no idea what that meant. but if Chris is right, you need to make a stand. are you standing for february or against it? do you like to bowl, or are you antisocial? even if you don't like bowling, chances are that you like bowl games. which has absolutely nothing to do with our conversation.

all in all the party went great tonight. the only problem we had was when travis drove james' giant peach into a telephone wire. luckily, the wire only cut through to the peach pit, which saved travis the embarrassment of arriving with only half a giant peach. that could have been bad. also, i bowled straight down the gutter every time.

embarassing.

well, depending on your political views, tomorrow will be march first or third. also if you follow the mayan calendar, the world is ending pretty soon.

sounds fun. but not as fun as february.



now, i wish these guys would wisen up and start kicking bowling balls, but still, its pretty cool.

-the Voter.

The things people say...

Well MASAPers, this was an email my mom sent me this week. I thought I'd share it with you all. This is to help make you feel more intelligent... that is, knowing that other people just say some of the stupidest things:


(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry.. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

--Mariah Carey

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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"

-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign

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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"


--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.


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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"


--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .

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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."


--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."


--Al Gore, Vice President

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"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix "


-- Dan Quayle

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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"


--Lee Iacocca

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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."


--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."


-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."


--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

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"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery

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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman



Wow. Now that you all feel a little bit smarter, or at least smarter than some other people, I feel the need to dumb you all down again. How about I throw some boots at your heads?









Jeff Yeager

Mr. President. Also, Hegemon. Also, Member of the Board.